Relationships - Kellie Sheldon

Hypersexuality, avoidance, dissociation: Why these are trauma responses and not ‘negative behaviours’

Ever done something intimate or sexual that you couldn’t explain, even to yourself?

Perhaps you slept with someone and felt hollow afterwards. Or found yourself pulling away just when a relationship started feeling emotionally close. Or maybe you’ve gone through the motions during sex or intimacy, while your mind drifted far away.

And maybe, afterwards, you felt ashamed. Confused. Disconnected from yourself.

Wondering: Why did I do that?

Or worse: What’s wrong with me?

Let’s be clear: nothing is wrong with you. These are trauma responses. Automatic, survival-oriented trauma responses.

When our survival responses get misunderstood

Hypersexuality. Avoidance. Dissociation.

These are often adaptive responses. They are your nervous system’s way of keeping you safe.

You didn’t choose these patterns because something is wrong with you.
Your body chose them because, at some point, something went wrong around you.

Because safety was compromised. Trust was broken. And intimacy became complicated, confusing, or even dangerous.

Maybe sex became a way to feel wanted. In control. Connected.
Maybe avoiding closeness felt like the only way to breathe.
Maybe your body stayed, but your mind had to leave, because staying present felt too overwhelming.

And if no one ever explained that to you before, I’m honoured to be the first.

When sex becomes survival: Understanding hypersexuality

After trauma, especially sexual trauma, some people find themselves seeking out sex not for connection, but for control, validation, or temporary relief.

This can feel confusing (or even bring up shame), especially in a culture quick to label behaviour as “promiscuous” or “reckless.” But what looks like hypersexuality on the outside is often a deeply intelligent survival strategy.

If sex was once the only way to feel seen, wanted, or powerful, it makes sense that your body returned to it, again and again. Not because you’re broken. But because it worked. For a moment, it quieted the pain. For a moment, you were in control.

Why you pull away, or check out completely: Understanding avoidance and dissociation

Avoidance and dissociation are two other common trauma responses that are often misread. You might shut down when things get emotionally close. You might say “I’m fine” while everything in you is screaming. You might even leave your body during sex or arguments or moments that feel too overwhelming to bear.

This isn’t you being cold, distant, or dramatic. It’s your nervous system doing what it learned to do: protect you.

When connection feels dangerous, avoidance keeps you at a safe distance. When sensation feels unbearable, dissociation takes you somewhere else.

The true story beneath the labels we are given

So often, people are labelled: too much, too cold, emotionally unavailable, addicted to attention, too sexual, not sexual enough.

But those labels tell only one part of the story, and rarely the part that matters most.

No one asked what your body was trying to protect you from.

No one wondered what survival strategy you’d had to perfect just to make it through.

Because that’s what these responses are.

They are strategies. Adaptations. Intelligent nervous system decisions shaped by pain, shaped by fear, shaped by what your body learned about safety and danger.

The freeze-fracture of intimacy

For many trauma survivors, intimacy becomes the most loaded territory.

Our nervous systems carry memories, not just in thoughts and emotions, but in our bodies – in sensation, in held postures.

So when someone gets close, even when they’re kind, your body might brace. Shut down. Or go somewhere else entirely.

You’re not broken, you’re protected. Your body is prioritising protection over connection.

And while these responses might not feel helpful anymore, they were once the reason you made it through something challenging.

Reclaiming the narrative: sex after trauma

Healing begins when we stop judging the symptom and start listening to the story underneath it.

You don’t have to stay trapped in old patterns. But the path forward doesn’t begin with more willpower or more shame and blame.

It begins with compassion. With understanding. With access to a felt sense of safety.

When your nervous system learns that you’re allowed to both have boundaries and be close…

That sex can be safe and connected…

That you can stay present in your body and still be okay…

Everything starts to shift.

You were never too much

If you’ve ever been called “too much” in bed, “too cold” in relationships, or “too detached” from your own body, this is for you:

You weren’t too much.
You were surviving.

And the labels they gave you? Those were never yours to carry.

Healing is possible after trauma

Your trauma responses make sense. Your body is not the enemy. It’s been on your side all along.

And now, if you’re ready, you can begin to gently unravel those old patterns.

Not by forcing yourself to change, but by learning what safety feels like, moment by moment, breath by breath.

Because, healing is possible. Not because you need to be fixed.

But because it’s possible to feel safe in your body again, in relationships again. And that matters a lot.

Why you keep freezing in conflict and why it actually makes a lot of sense

If you’re grappling with this question of “Why do I keep freezing in conflict?”, this blog is for you.

You’re in the middle of a conversation that’s getting tense. Maybe it’s with a partner, a family member, or someone at work. Emotions are rising, you know what you want to say, but the words won’t come. Your mind goes blank. Your body tightens. You feel stuck, small, or numb.

Later, you might wonder: “Why didn’t I just say something? Why do I always freeze like that?”.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.

Freezing in conflict is a nervous system response. And the more we understand the roots of this pattern, the more compassion we can offer ourselves, and the more we can begin to shift this pattern to stay present during tough conversations.

Freezing in conflict is about protection

Why do i freeze in arguments with my partner? freeze response and trauma

Many people associate trauma with fight or flight. But there’s another response that’s just as common, called the freeze response.

Freezing doesn’t mean you’re passive. It means your nervous system has detected too much, too fast, or not enough support. When there’s no clear escape or solution, your system might default to a kind of shutdown mode.

A freeze response might look like:

Going blank or struggling to speak
Feeling suddenly numb or disconnected
Wanting to disappear or shrink away
Agreeing just to end the conversation or conflict.

This is an automatic nervous system response that happens whether the threat is currently present, perceived, or remembered. A freeze response is your body’s way of trying to keep you safe in a situation that feels unsafe or emotionally overwhelming. It does not mean it’s something you’re choosing to do, and, it doesn’t mean anything about your skills at communicating when not in a freeze response.

The past shows up in the present

Many survivors of relational trauma (especially trauma that happened in childhood) develop the freeze response as a default.

If you grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to speak up, show anger, or have boundaries, your system may have learned that going still or staying quiet was the safest thing to do.

You may have internalised messages like:

It’s safer to stay quiet than to speak up – that only makes things worse
My needs don’t matter or it’s not safe to have needs
I’ll be punished if I speak up

These early patterns don’t disappear just because we’ve grown up. In moments of stress or conflict, the nervous system doesn’t always distinguish between then and now. Instead, it reacts to what feels familiar.

That’s why even “small” conflicts can feel enormous to the body.

How to stop going blank during arguments

You’re not overreacting – your nervous system is trying to keep you safe

When we freeze in conflict, we often blame ourselves.

Why can’t I just get over it?
Why do I shut down?
Why can’t I communicate better?

But when we understand that these reactions are shaped by earlier experiences (often when no one listened, or we weren’t supported) it becomes easier to offer ourselves the one thing we needed back then: compassion.

Your nervous system is responding exactly as it was designed to, based on what it’s learned about safety. And the freeze response, while frustrating, isn’t random. In fact, it’s a deeply intelligent protector part of you, trying to help you survive.

So what can help to thaw the freeze response?

1. Name what’s happening

Instead of criticising yourself, I invite you to try noticing the signs of freezing: “I feel myself going numb right now”, or “My mind feels like it’s switched off”. Naming it can give you a bit of space and reduce shame.

2. Offer your body comfort first

Trying to think or talk your way out of a freeze often doesn’t work, because freeze happens beneath our thoughts or the story of what’s happening. Instead, try to support connection back with your body. One way to support your nervous system to shift out of freeze is with grounding practices, like placing your feet on the floor and noticing how the steady floor holds you, or holding something warm, or gently touching your arms.

3. Come back to connection slowly

Sometimes we need to take a break from the conversation or conflict, to regulate, before we can return. Let yourself move at your own pace. You don’t have to resolve everything in one conversation. Try setting a time to return to the conversation after some space to settle and process.

4. Practice safety, not pressure

The more you have experiences of safe, respectful conflict, where you’re allowed to have a voice, the more your nervous system will learn that it doesn’t need to shut down to be safe.

For example, imagine a moment with a trusted friend or partner where you gently name a boundary, like:

“I feel overwhelmed when we talk over each other. I need a moment to finish my thoughts.”

And they respond with understanding: “Okay, thanks for letting me know. I’ll try to slow down”.

That moment might seem small, but to your nervous system, it’s powerful. You spoke up, and it was okay to do so (nothing world-ending happened). Over time, moments like these help your body rewrite its old scripts about danger, and begin to trust that not every disagreement means you’ll be ignored, punished, or abandoned.

Learn how to feel safe during disagreements with your partner

You’re not broken, you’re learning how to feel safe again

Freezing in conflict doesn’t mean you’re avoidant or don’t have communication skills. It means your body is doing what it learned to do when safety wasn’t guaranteed.

The good news? You can unlearn this response. Not by forcing yourself to be different, but by gently helping your nervous system feel safe, supported, and seen.

You’re not too much. You’re not too sensitive.

You’re someone whose body remembers, and who’s learning, slowly and kindly, how to feel safe again.

If you found this blog helpful, I invite you to share it with someone who needs to hear this too.

Women struggle to initiate sex. Men struggle to stop watching porn. What if we were all just set up?

Sex is a topic that, for many of us, brings up some discomfort and vulnerability. When difficulties with sex happen in our relationships, we’re often left feeling like the problem is personal, rather than recognising the bigger forces at play.

If you’ve ever felt like something was fundamentally wrong with you because of how you relate to sex and intimacy, you’re not alone. Maybe you freeze when it comes to initiating sex, even though you want connection. Maybe you keep turning to porn, even though it’s affecting your intimacy. These aren’t personal failings. They’re patterns – patterns that were set up long before you had the chance to choose otherwise.

The messages we learn about sex

Let’s talk about conditioning. Those assigned female at birth tend to be taught from an early age to be desirable but not desiring. We’re told to be sexy but not ‘too much’, to please but not to ask for what we want. Sexual agency? That was never part of the script. So, when it comes to initiating, many women freeze – not because they don’t want sex, but because their nervous system equates their female desire with danger, rejection, shame, or confusion.

Males, on the other hand, are often conditioned from a young age to be in control, always ‘on,’ and to see emotional vulnerability as weakness. Many boys don’t get real conversations about intimacy, just a flood of unrealistic depictions in porn. So they turn to it, for pleasure, for comfort, stress relief, or even a sense of safety.

And then they’re shamed for it, told they should ‘just stop’ without ever being given the tools to actually do so.

Neither of these struggles are random. They’re trauma responses.

Trauma responses in disguise

Freezing instead of initiating? That’s a nervous system response. If past experiences taught your body that expressing desire isn’t safe, you’ll shut down before you even realise what’s happening. Learn more about the freeze state and sexual trauma.

Compulsively turning to porn? That’s another nervous system response. When stress, shame, or loneliness build up, your body reaches for the fastest way to regulate. And for many men, porn has been wired in as the easiest (although temporary) escape.

As you read this, I want you to know that this isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame. It’s about recognising that these struggles with intimacy don’t stem from ‘not trying hard enough’. They stem from the ways we’ve been set up by culture, conditioning, and our automatic nervous system survival strategies.

So, what now? How do we have better sex lives?

If this resonates, the answer to more connected sex lives and relationships isn’t shame. The answer comes from being curious about our sexual conditioning.

What if, instead of beating yourself up for not initiating, you got curious about what your body is trying to protect you from? What if healing isn’t about forcing yourself to stop turning to porn, but first understanding where the pattern came from and what need it is meeting?

Some questions to ask yourself include:

Where did I learn this?

What beliefs am I carrying that aren’t really mine?

What does safety feel like for me?

This is where real change happens, not through self-judgement, but through recognising that these patterns make sense. And once they make sense, they can shift.

Because intimacy (real, connected, deeply desired intimacy) was never supposed to be about performance. It’s really about presence, safety, and reclaiming what was always yours.

Here are some ways to start moving toward a sex life that feels more connected, less pressured, and truly yours…

Having an enjoyable sex life explore with sex and trauma counsellor kellie sheldon

Notice the barriers to sex, without judgement

Instead of blaming yourself for feeling stuck, start by noticing what’s coming up. Do you feel disconnected? Pressured? Do you shut down or avoid intimacy altogether? Bringing gentle awareness to these patterns (without forcing yourself to ‘fix’ them) is the first step in shifting them.

Get to know your nervous system

Your body plays a huge role in intimacy. If you’re feeling anxious or frozen, try grounding yourself in the present moment. Press your feet into the floor, take slow breaths, or focus on a comforting touch (like holding your own hand or noticing the feeling of a soft blanket). These actions can help signal to your nervous system that you’re safe.

Unpack what desire and connection mean to you

If you’ve been taught that desire should always be spontaneous or that sex has to happen a certain way, it might be time to question those beliefs. What if intimacy could be more about exploration and less about expectation?

Sex therapy can help shift deeply held patterns and beliefs about sex

Having the space to explore these patterns with someone who gets it, without judgement, without pressure) can help us to unpack and learn more about our relationship with sex and intimacy.

These struggles aren’t just about the mind, they’re stored in the body, shaped by past experiences, and reinforced by cultural messaging.

Working with a sex and trauma therapist who understands intimacy, trauma, and the nervous system can help you move from frustration to connection.

Whether it’s through exploring underlying beliefs, somatic work, or therapies like EMDR, counselling can offer the space to unlearn what isn’t serving you and rebuild intimacy in a way that feels safe and fulfilling.

Because at the end of the day, intimacy isn’t about checking a box, it’s about feeling fully present in your own experience, on your own terms.

Hi, I’m Kellie, the principal therapist here at our practice. We specialise in helping people make sense of what they’re feeling – especially when those feelings don’t quite add up or feel too heavy to carry alone. Our approach is grounded, trauma-informed, and a little different to your standard talk therapy. Whether you’re untangling old relationship patterns, exploring sexual concerns, or trying to understand emotions that seem too big or shut down – we’re here to walk with you through it. At the heart of what we do is this: helping you feel less stuck, more understood, and gently hopeful about what’s possible next.

You’re not alone in this – and you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself anymore.

If you’re ready to explore this with support, I offer trauma and sex therapy online Australia-wide and in-person in Midland, Perth, WA.

Book An Appointment

Why You’re Feeling Stuck.

You’re going about your daily life. You’re surviving, not thriving. You get up, go to work, and your relationships are okay—but nothing to write home about. You wonder where the passion you felt as a child went. You just feel off.

Your partner wants to have a hard conversation, but you automatically see it as conflict and will do anything to avoid an argument. You don’t like asking for help—it makes you feel like a burden, yet people often offer to help.

These behaviours and patterns don’t come from anywhere. They’re the echoes of childhood wounds and traumas. Your child parts are stuck, even though you are now 30 years older.

What IS Childhood Trauma?

Childhood wounds and trauma aren’t just about the big things – abuse, neglect, or extreme hardship. They can also be the subtle, everyday moments that taught you life just isn’t safe – and your nervous system agreed.

Think back – what were your parents like? Were they emotionally connected? When you needed them, could you talk to them and know how they would react? Did they tell you they loved you and were proud of you? Did you feel like you mattered, that your needs mattered?

Maybe you had to earn love by being a good child all the time. If you weren’t, they wouldn’t talk to you, leaving you walking on eggshells. You just never knew which version of your parents you would get.

At its core, childhood trauma is any experience that overwhelms a child’s ability to cope and leaves a lasting imprint on the nervous system. Because the brain is still developing, these experiences don’t just pass through like a bad memory—they become wired into how we see the world, our friends, family, and ourselves.

How Does It Follow You Into Adulthood?

Under a ‘parts’ model or framework (IFS, ego states, schema therapy), the part of us that experienced these wounds gets stuck at the age they happened. From the clients I work with, the average age is pre-verbal, around seven or eight, and then again in early adolescence.

These parts are not able to mature into adulthood because they don’t realise you have grown up. They believe you are still that child, living in the past—and back then, they learned all these brilliant skills to keep you safe or safe enough.

You struggle with emotional regulation.

You know they’re driving the bus when you react quickly or out of proportion. You may find yourself unable to express yourself, feeling out of your body and dissociating, or feeling numb. These child parts carry a belief system that says, I’m not worthy. I am unlovable. I don’t deserve good things.

In today’s language, we’d say our emotional regulation skills are lacking, and we have poor self-esteem. You might find yourself binge-watching TV, doom-scrolling, overeating, drinking, overworking, or avoiding relationships and events.

You have trouble setting (or respecting) boundaries.

Someone tells you no, and you instantly feel guilty. Children who grew up with caregivers who didn’t respect their privacy or autonomy often struggle with boundaries. Maybe they made you feel guilty for not doing what they wanted, even when your entire body screamed no.

Now, as an adult, you feel as though everything is your fault, and you have to fix people’s emotions. You say yes, even when you desperately want to say no. Every decision is based on the fear that people will leave if you disappoint them.

You may also struggle to hear your partner’s or friends’ boundaries. Taking control – both now and in childhood – made life less anxious.

Your relationships feel like a rollercoaster.

Have you ever noticed how some relationships make you either recoil into yourself or act in ways you’d consider crazy and needy? Maybe you become overly attached quickly, then suddenly feel distant. Maybe you are so scared people will leave that you do everything to keep them close – even when they’re telling you they feel suffocated. Maybe one day, you woke up and realised your partner mirrors the same relationship dynamics you had as a child.

This isn’t random. We recreate familiar patterns, even when they hurt us. If walking on eggshells was normal for you as a child – if doing that meant you were loved – your nervous system will mistake anxiety for connection.

You’re fiercely independent or ‘codependent.’ I’ve written codependent that way because, under an attachment framework, the term is a myth. Humans need attachment to feel safe and explore the world. We weren’t meant to walk through life alone.

People often describe “codependent” individuals as needy, afraid to do things alone, or overly reliant on others. But what’s really driving that behaviour is anxiety – the fear that someone will leave. It’s not that you can’t do things alone. It’s that your nervous system has been wired to fear abandonment.

The flip side of that is hyper-independence. If you insist on doing everything yourself, you likely learned that you had to. No one was around to help you as a child. Your caregivers may have been absent, dismissive, or unpredictable.

Your worldview became, The world won’t help me. No one shows up when I need them. If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.

Being self-sufficient is a great skill, but when it comes from survival, it can be lonely, exhausting, and isolating.

You struggle with self-worth.

If childhood taught you that love was conditional – based on how well you behaved, the grades you got, or how much you pleased others – then it makes sense that your self-worth now feels shaky.

You probably feel like you’ll never be enough, no matter how much you achieve. You carry deep shame. You shrink when someone gives you a compliment.

Your childhood experiences shaped your internal world – how you see and talk to yourself. If love felt scarce, your nervous system learned that you had to earn your place in people’s lives.

But you were always enough. You are enough.

So, What Can You Do About It?

Recognising these patterns is the first step.

Your reactions and behaviours don’t happen by choice – remember, that child part is still driving the bus. Next time you feel triggered, stop and breathe. Ask yourself, What does this feeling remind me of? Is this feeling from today or an old wound?

Let yourself feel compassion for those parts of you—they’re just trying to protect you from perceived danger.

Try challenging your thought patterns. The stories you carry from childhood might be true—but often, they’re not. What’s not true is the belief that your worth is tied to how others treated you.

Next time your mind spirals, ask yourself, Who would I be without this belief? Would I let a friend talk about themselves this way?

Your parts can hear you when you speak to them. Let them know they don’t have to hold onto this anymore.

Take a breath and ask for help. Healing happens in relationships – just as childhood wounds were formed in them. Therapy (especially parts work and EMDR) can help you talk to your inner child parts, working with and releasing the emotions stored in your body, and rewire the way you see yourself and your relationships.

It’s talk therapy – but different. It’s a deeper conversation with yourself.

Final Thoughts

We heal from childhood trauma by bringing the past into the present. It shapes how we feel, relate, and move through life. Recognising these patterns is an invitation – to understand yourself more, rewrite old stories, and remove shame that isn’t yours.

You can choose to live unstuck.

If you’re ready to explore where these stories began, reach out. I’d love to work with you – or simply answer your questions.

Functional Freeze and Sexual Trauma

Imagine standing on a path you want to walk so badly, but every time you try to step forward, you just… can’t. You know where you want to go, but it feels like something inside you freezes up, leaving you stuck. This experience, called “functional freeze,” is actually a survival response. And when it shows up in your sex life, it can make intimacy feel out of reach, even if you really want that closeness.

We’re going to break down what functional freeze is, why it’s so common for people who’ve experienced sexual trauma, and how it can be a confusing and frustrating barrier to intimacy. We’ll talk about why this freeze response doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and we’ll walk through some steps that can help you start to feel more at ease with yourself and with your partner.

What is functional freeze?

To get a sense of functional freeze, picture a deer caught in headlights. When something terrifying happens, like a car suddenly appearing, the deer freezes to survive. Humans do something similar when we face overwhelming situations, especially if we feel like we can’t fight or run away.

Functional freeze isn’t usually a total paralysis, though. It’s often more subtle. You might feel like you’re going through the motions but not fully “there,” like you’re on autopilot or stuck in a fog. This state can be tough to notice, and it’s even harder to recognise if you don’t know what to look for. For survivors of sexual trauma, this freeze response can become a default setting—something that kicks in without warning, even years after the trauma.

Why does this happen with sexual trauma?

The freeze response is a smart, protective reaction. When someone experiences sexual trauma, they’re often in a situation where they feel trapped or powerless, and freezing becomes the safest option. The body might tense up and shut down as a way to cope with the overwhelming experience.

The challenge is that the body remembers. This response doesn’t disappear once the trauma is over; it sticks around, showing up in ways that can make intimacy feel scary, even in safe situations. So, during intimate moments, that same freeze response can be triggered all over again.

When the freeze response kicked in..

Meet Emily. In her early thirties, smart and successful, with a loving partner and friends, Emily seemed to have it all. But in her relationship, she felt a growing disconnect. She wanted to be close to her partner, but every time they got intimate, it was like an invisible wall went up. She’d go through the motions, but a part of her wasn’t present.

At first, Emily thought something was wrong with her, and she tried to push through it, hoping to “fix” herself. But the harder she pushed, the worse it got. Then, one day, her partner gently asked, “Are you really here with me?” And that’s when she realised – she wasn’t. Some part of her was miles away, shut down in a way she didn’t fully understand.

Emily’s body was protecting her, even if she didn’t know why. This was her functional freeze – a reaction her body had learned during a time when she’d felt powerless. Now, it was still showing up, keeping her safe from intimacy that her body saw as risky.

The science behind the freeze response.

Our nervous systems are built to protect us. When we go through trauma, the brain stores that experience as a memory that lives in both the mind and body. This memory isn’t passive – it’s connected to our nervous system, ready to react if we encounter anything that feels remotely similar to the trauma.

For people who’ve been through sexual trauma, intimate moments can trigger that same survival response. The body and brain recognise certain elements – closeness, touch, vulnerability – and before you even realise it, the “freeze” button gets pressed.

It’s also important to know that functional freeze isn’t just in your head. It can show up in your body, too, with symptoms like muscle tension, shallow breathing, or even numbness.

Why you’re not broken

One of the hardest parts of dealing with functional freeze is the self-blame that often comes with it. It’s easy to think, Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with me?

Reality is nothing is broken. Your body and mind are just doing what they’ve learned to do. Freezing helped you survive, and now your body is trying to keep you safe the same way.

This response isn’t about “getting over” the past. It’s about understanding that the past is still part of you and that your body learned something essential about safety. Your body’s main goal? Keeping you alive and safe.

Steps to thaw the freeze

If functional freeze feels like a constant presence, know that there are ways to start shifting out of it. It’s a slow, gentle process that takes time, but here are some steps that might help you begin:

Notice the Freeze Without Judgment

The first step is to recognise when the freeze response shows up. Instead of getting frustrated or forcing yourself to “snap out of it,” try just observing. Is there tension in your body? Do you feel numb? Are you zoning out? Bringing awareness to these signs can help you recognise when your body is entering freeze mode.

Ground Yourself

When you notice the freeze, grounding techniques can help bring you back. Try pressing your feet into the ground, squeezing something in your hands, or focusing on an object in the room. This can help remind your body that you’re safe right now, in the present moment.

Connect with the Parts of You That Are Protecting You

In therapy, especially in “parts” work, there’s a focus on different parts of ourselves. You might have a protector part that triggers the freeze response when things feel too close for comfort. Recognising this part can help you see that it’s not trying to sabotage intimacy – it’s just trying to keep you safe.

Imagine this part as a friend who steps in when you’re vulnerable. Instead of pushing it away, you might say, “Thank you for protecting me, but I want to try something different.” This can be a powerful way to understand the freeze response instead of battling it.

Try Small Steps Towards Safety

Moving out of freeze takes time, and that’s okay. If intimacy feels too big to handle, start with smaller actions that build a sense of connection and safety. This could be as simple as sitting together without any pressure or focusing on non-sexual touch. Let your body relearn that it’s okay to experience closeness without needing to freeze.

Therapy Can Be A Game Changer

Therapies like Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR <– click to read more) and somatic therapy can make a big difference. These approaches help process trauma and teach your body that it’s safe in the present moment. EMDR works to reduce the power of traumatic memories, while somatic therapy connects mind and body to build a new sense of safety. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful.

You’re not alone in this

If you’re feeling stuck in functional freeze, remember: you’re not alone. Many people are walking this same path. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line – it’s more like a winding road, and it’s perfectly okay to go at your own pace.

Intimacy after trauma is one of the toughest challenges, but with patience, understanding, and support, it’s possible to find a way through. You’re not broken, and you’re not failing. You’re just learning how to feel safe again.

Why Trauma Makes It Hard to Say No?

It’s hard to say no, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. If you’ve gone through trauma, you may feel like you’re always saying yes, even when you want to say no. Trauma can make setting boundaries feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to stay this way.

Let’s talk about why trauma makes it hard to say no, the impact it has on your relationships, and how to start reclaiming your boundaries.

Why Does Trauma Make It Hard to Say No?

Trauma changes how your brain reacts to threats. If you’ve experienced sexual trauma or abuse, your brain might have learned to freeze when you feel unsafe. This is your body’s way of protecting you. During trauma, freezing is a survival mechanism. But this survival response can stay with you long after the trauma ends.

You might notice this reaction when you’re in situations that remind you of your trauma. You freeze, you say yes, even though every part of you is screaming no. This is normal. It’s your brain trying to keep you safe, but in the wrong way.

Guilt, Fear, and the Need to Please

Many people with trauma also struggle with feelings of guilt or fear. You might feel like you owe someone your time, attention, or even your body. Guilt can make it seem like saying no will hurt someone, or make them stop loving you. This feeling is rooted in trauma and past experiences where your needs were ignored.

Saying yes when you don’t want to can come from a deep desire to please others. Trauma survivors often have a hard time separating their own needs from the needs of others. This is especially true if your trauma involved a violation of your boundaries.

The Impact on Your Relationships

Saying yes when you really want to say no can wear you down over time. It can create feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and emotional distance in relationships. The more you push aside your own needs, the more disconnected you may feel—not just from your partner, but from yourself.

This emotional distance can also make intimacy harder. If you’re constantly giving in without considering your own desires, it can feel like you’re going through the motions instead of being present. Over time, this can harm your relationships, creating an imbalance where your needs are overlooked.

How Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Boundaries

One of the most effective ways to start setting boundaries again is through trauma-informed therapy. Therapies such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) and parts work can be particularly helpful for survivors of trauma.

• EMDR helps you reprocess traumatic memories in a way that allows your brain to recognise that the danger has passed. This can help reduce the freeze response and make it easier for you to assert yourself when needed.

• Parts work allows you to explore the different parts of yourself that might still be holding onto fear, guilt, or the need to please others. By working through these parts, you can begin to restore balance and give each part of yourself the space to be heard.

Practical Steps to Start Reclaiming Your Boundaries

While therapy is a powerful tool, there are also small, practical steps you can begin taking today to reclaim your boundaries.

1. Listen to Your Body

Your body often knows when something feels off before your mind catches up. Pay attention to physical sensations like a tight chest, a knot in your stomach, or a sense of unease. These are signals from your body that something isn’t right.

2. Start with Small Nos

You don’t have to start with big boundary-setting right away. Practice saying no in small, low-pressure situations. For example, turn down a social event you don’t want to attend or say no to a request that feels unnecessary. This helps build your confidence.

3. Use Clear, Direct Language

When setting boundaries, focus on using “I” statements, like “I feel uncomfortable,” or “I need some space.” This keeps the focus on your own experience rather than accusing or blaming others, which can help reduce conflict.

4. Give Yourself Permission to Pause

If you’re unsure how to respond in a moment, it’s okay to pause. Say something like, “I need to think about that” or “Can we talk about this later?” This buys you time to check in with your feelings and figure out what you really want.

5. Build a Support System

Healing from trauma is a process, and you don’t have to do it alone. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and are willing to support your healing process. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a therapist, or a support group, having a safe space to turn to can help you practice setting boundaries in real life.

Moving Forward

Reclaiming your boundaries after trauma isn’t easy, but it’s essential for your well-being. Start with small steps, listen to your body, and seek support where needed. Healing doesn’t mean always getting it right—it means learning, growing, and giving yourself the space to feel in control again.

If you’re finding it hard to set boundaries or struggling with feelings of guilt and fear, reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist could be the next step. They can help you navigate your healing process and empower you to reclaim your boundaries, bit by bit.

Let me know if you’d like to book a session or learn more about trauma-informed therapies like EMDR or parts work. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Overcoming Sexual Shame

Sex is a natural part of life, yet many people struggle with sexual shame. This can come from cultural beliefs, growing up with certain religious beliefs, family stories, trauma, or personal experiences. Understanding the roots of this shame and how to overcome it is essential for developing a healthy and positive relationship with your sexuality.

What Causes Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame is often learned through our upbringing or messages from society. Some common sources include:

• Cultural Norms:

Maybe you were brought up in a culture that never spoke about sex, it’s taboo. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame when discussing or engaging in sexual activities.

• Religious Beliefs:

Some religious teachings suggest that sex is only appropriate within certain boundaries, like marriage, which can create guilt for those who deviate from these expectations. Schools these days will teach abstinence over pleasure. Thinking this way takes away the power of what pleasure is about, whilst adding shame to enjoying, let alone having sex.

• Personal Experiences:

Negative experiences, such as past trauma or being shamed for natural sexual exploration, can contribute to long-lasting sexual shame.

The Impact of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can have far-reaching effects on mental health and relationships:

• Low Self-Esteem:

Feeling ashamed of one’s sexuality can lead to low self-worth and negative self-perception.

• Relationship Issues:

Shame can create barriers to intimacy and open communication in relationships, leading to dissatisfaction or disconnect.

• Mental Health Challenges:

The emotional burden of shame can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

How to Overcome Sexual Shame

Overcoming sexual shame requires effort and self-compassion. Here are some steps to guide you:

1. Educate Yourself:

Understanding that sexuality is a normal, healthy part of being human is crucial. Seek out sex-positive education resources that challenge shame-based beliefs.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts:

Reflect on where your feelings of shame come from and actively work to replace these with positive, affirming beliefs about your sexuality.

3. Seek Support:

Consider talking to a therapist or joining a support group to address and work through feelings of shame. Professional guidance can be invaluable in this process. Therapies such as EMDR or parts work can help.

4. Practice Self-Compassion:

Be kind to yourself. Recognise that overcoming shame is a journey, and it’s okay to take time to heal and grow.

By addressing and challenging the sources of sexual shame, you can begin to develop a more positive and healthy relationship with your sexuality. Remember, sexuality is a natural and important part of life, and embracing it without shame can lead to greater well-being and happiness.

I am here to help and work with you when you are ready to live a life full of sexual pleasure – without shame.

Honoured as one of Perth’s Best & New Role at Brainz Magazine!

I’ve got some fantastic news to share with you all, and I couldn’t be more excited! It’s been a whirlwind of amazing opportunities lately, and I wanted to take a moment to celebrate and share these milestones with you.

Brainz Magazine Contributor

First off, I’ve been invited to be a contributor and expert writer for Brainz Magazine! This is such an incredible honour, and I’m thrilled to join a community of thought leaders and experts from around the globe. I’ll be sharing insights on trauma and sex therapy, aiming to educate, inspire, and provide support through my articles. Stay tuned for my upcoming pieces – I can’t wait to hear what you think!

Best in Perth Recognition

I’m absolutely chuffed to announce that I’ve been included on the Up and Coming List by ‘Best in Perth’ as one of the top 5 psychotherapists in Perth. This recognition means the world to me. It’s a testament to the hard work and dedication I’ve poured into my practice and my passion for helping others. Thank you to everyone who’s been part of this journey – your support is invaluable.

Unique Professions Podcast

As if that wasn’t enough, I recently had the pleasure of chatting with David on the Unique Professions Podcast. We had a fantastic conversation about my work, the unique aspects of trauma and sex therapy, and my approach to healing. David was an excellent host, and I thoroughly enjoyed sharing my story and insights with his listeners. If you haven’t had a chance to listen yet, I highly recommend checking it out – it’s a great listen! I look forward to working with David again soon.

Guest Workshop Speaker

I’m excited to share that Anna Thellmann – Intimacy Expert will be holding an online workshop called “ReConnect With Your Partner”. I’ve been invited to speak on this limited-access, on-demand audio workshop, which launches on 11th September and will be available until 11th October. The workshop is free for all and will cover topics like the main reasons for partner disconnect, daily life impacts, underlying fears and beliefs, and practical steps for reconnecting. As soon as it launches I’ll be sharing the link!

What This Means for Us

These opportunities are not just personal wins; they’re a reflection of our collective journey. Each step forward is fueled by the incredible stories and resilience of my clients, the support of my peers, and the curiosity of everyone who engages with my work. I’m excited about what’s to come and how these platforms will allow us to reach and help even more people.

Thank you for being part of this amazing journey. Your support and trust mean everything to me, and I’m looking forward to sharing more exciting updates and insights with you all.

Online counselling – yay or nay?

Online counselling and psychotherapy sessions have become the norm since COVID-19. Whether you like them or not, they are here to stay. Let’s explore the pros and cons of online therapy.

Pro – convenience and flexability

As long as you are in a private space and no one can hear you, you can attend your counselling session anywhere you like. I have spoken to people whilst in their car, wardrobe, cupboards, you name it. Pop in a set of headphones and you can have your session walking in a park – no one will pay attention and can only hear one side of the conversation. Just let your therapist know, after all, confidentiality is important.

Being busy shouldn’t stop you from attending online sessions. They are flexible and can be scheduled during your lunch break or even when you’re on the road.

You and your counsellor can still attend sessions even if you are feeling unwell but still want to attend your sessions, the same goes with your therapist. We understand the importance of not spreading germs.

Pro – geographic locations

Online counselling ignores borders, allowing you to access therapy from virtually anywhere in the world. Whether you’re exploring bustling cities, serene beaches, or remote villages. This also goes for if you live in rural areas, the middle of Australia, work FIFO or on a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean. As long as you have a decent internet connection you can connect with your therapist. Remember to check your time zones, you might not wish to have a 3 am counselling session.

Pro – specialisations

If you are searching for a particular specialisation, like kink-friendly counselling, it may not be available in your local area. However, with online counselling, you can access professional counsellors and psychotherapists from anywhere in the country. This means that your options are now limitless.

Pro – privacy

Imagine this. You are living in a town of 1200 people. There are two counsellors to choose from. The town is one of those places where everyone knows everything about you. Are you going to want to see one of the two counsellors with the risk that someone will see you (your privacy means the world to you)? Online counselling offers that privacy. No one will ever know you are attending sessions unless you tell them.

Pro – most therapy styles can be practised professionally

In terms of online counselling, I have not yet encountered a counselling framework or style that cannot be used. Of course, it’s different if we need to physically touch a part of the body to access it, but with counselling, we don’t typically have to rely on physical touch.

As a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, counsellors have successfully adapted their practices to offer online services, including EMDR therapy and games to support children. Online group therapy sessions have been proven to help remove isolation and assist in connecting with others.

Pro – extra layer of protection

Some of the things you want to work on are difficult for you to talk through – especially face-to-face. I get that, your parts are holding shame and would prefer some extra protection as you talk about them. Online counselling offers that, as do phone sessions. The screen offers a barrier between you and your counsellor. I have received feedback from clients about the added layer of perceived protection allowing them to share things they would never mention in the office.

The same goes for the environment. Sitting in a therapy office may be difficult for you, it hinders you from opening up as you have had negative experiences before. Being able to stay at home in comfort (including PJs) can offer an extra level of protection for you. That is perfectly okay! We do what we need to do to make counselling work best for you.

Miniature engineer and workers working with lan cable on wooden table

Cons – technical issues

Battery issues, bad connections, and programs not working are all issues we have to work around by having online counselling sessions. One day everything works fine, the next they are glitching. Sometimes it’s pot luck on whats will work and what won’t.

Cons – communication issues

One major complaint about online counselling and therapy is the lack of connection between client and therapist. There is truth in this – missed body language and the slightest facial cues can hinder the connections between all involved. Some individuals have stated they feel further away and distant due to the screen.

Con – privacy concerns

Even though I included privacy concerns as a positive, it can also be a negative. You may have taken every precaution to be in a private area, but there is no guarantee someone will not walk into the room or overhear you. As for leaked or hacked programs, ask your therapist if the program they are using is telehealth-compliant to help ease your mind.

Online counselling offers a range of benefits, including convenience, accessibility, flexibility, and privacy. It breaks down geographical barriers, making therapy accessible to individuals regardless of where you are. However, it’s important to acknowledge the potential drawbacks, such as technological issues, privacy concerns, and perceived lack of connection. Despite these challenges, many individuals find online counselling to be a valuable and effective form of mental health support. By being aware of these drawbacks and actively addressing them, both clients and therapists can maximise the benefits of online counselling while mitigating potential risks. Ultimately, online counselling is not going anywhere. Is it time you embraced it?

The Heart of the Matter: Understanding the Body’s Memory Bank

Isn’t it fascinating how our bodies seem to carry the echoes of our past experiences? They’re like silent witnesses to every moment, storing away memories and emotions in the nooks and crannies of our muscles and bones. But have you ever wondered why our bodies have this remarkable ability? What purpose does it serve, and how does it shape the way we navigate the world around us?

To understand why our bodies hold onto our experiences so tightly, we need to look at the role of our nervous system. From the moment we’re born, our bodies are wired to respond to the world around us, constantly scanning for threats and opportunities. When we encounter something new or unexpected, our nervous system springs into action, sending signals to various parts of our body to prepare for whatever comes next. This is known as the fight-or-flight response, and it’s a fundamental survival mechanism that has helped humans navigate dangerous situations for thousands of years.

But our bodies aren’t just wired to respond to external threats; they’re also finely attuned to our internal world of thoughts and emotions. When we experience something that triggers a strong emotional response, whether it’s a moment of joy, sadness, fear, or anger, our bodies react in kind. Our heart rate may increase, our muscles may tense up, and our breathing may become shallow. These physical changes are not just random; they’re our body’s way of preparing us to cope with the emotional intensity of the moment.

So why does our body hold onto these experiences long after they’ve passed? One reason is that our bodies are incredibly efficient at learning from past experiences. When we encounter a situation that triggers a strong emotional response, our bodies remember it, storing away the sensory details so that we can recognise similar situations in the future and respond accordingly. This is why certain sights, sounds, or smells can evoke such powerful memories and emotions; our bodies have learned to associate them with past experiences, both positive and negative.

But the purpose of our body’s ability to hold onto our experiences goes beyond mere survival. It’s also a key part of how we make sense of the world and our place in it. Our bodies serve as a kind of living record of our lives, carrying with them the stories of who we are and where we’ve been. When we encounter a familiar song or smell, it’s like flipping through the pages of a scrapbook, reliving those moments all over again. And while this can sometimes be painful, it can also be incredibly healing, allowing us to revisit past traumas and come to terms with them in a new light.

n the end, our bodies are more than just flesh and bone; they’re vessels of memory, emotion, and experience. They have a way of weaving the threads of our past into the fabric of our present, shaping the way we see ourselves and the world around us. And while it can be tempting to try to escape the weight of our past, perhaps the real challenge is learning to embrace it—to acknowledge the stories our bodies hold and to recognise the strength and resilience they represent. So the next time you find yourself caught up in a wave of emotion or memory, take a moment to honor the wisdom of your body. It may just have a story to tell you.