You’re going about your daily life. You’re surviving, not thriving. You get up, go to work, and your relationships are okay—but nothing to write home about. You wonder where the passion you felt as a child went. You just feel off.
Your partner wants to have a hard conversation, but you automatically see it as conflict and will do anything to avoid an argument. You don’t like asking for help—it makes you feel like a burden, yet people often offer to help.
These behaviours and patterns don’t come from anywhere. They’re the echoes of childhood wounds and traumas. Your child parts are stuck, even though you are now 30 years older.
What IS Childhood Trauma?
Childhood wounds and trauma aren’t just about the big things – abuse, neglect, or extreme hardship. They can also be the subtle, everyday moments that taught you life just isn’t safe – and your nervous system agreed.
Think back – what were your parents like? Were they emotionally connected? When you needed them, could you talk to them and know how they would react? Did they tell you they loved you and were proud of you? Did you feel like you mattered, that your needs mattered?
Maybe you had to earn love by being a good child all the time. If you weren’t, they wouldn’t talk to you, leaving you walking on eggshells. You just never knew which version of your parents you would get.
At its core, childhood trauma is any experience that overwhelms a child’s ability to cope and leaves a lasting imprint on the nervous system. Because the brain is still developing, these experiences don’t just pass through like a bad memory—they become wired into how we see the world, our friends, family, and ourselves.
How Does It Follow You Into Adulthood?
Under a ‘parts’ model or framework (IFS, ego states, schema therapy), the part of us that experienced these wounds gets stuck at the age they happened. From the clients I work with, the average age is pre-verbal, around seven or eight, and then again in early adolescence.
These parts are not able to mature into adulthood because they don’t realise you have grown up. They believe you are still that child, living in the past—and back then, they learned all these brilliant skills to keep you safe or safe enough.
You struggle with emotional regulation.
You know they’re driving the bus when you react quickly or out of proportion. You may find yourself unable to express yourself, feeling out of your body and dissociating, or feeling numb. These child parts carry a belief system that says, I’m not worthy. I am unlovable. I don’t deserve good things.
In today’s language, we’d say our emotional regulation skills are lacking, and we have poor self-esteem. You might find yourself binge-watching TV, doom-scrolling, overeating, drinking, overworking, or avoiding relationships and events.
You have trouble setting (or respecting) boundaries.
Someone tells you no, and you instantly feel guilty. Children who grew up with caregivers who didn’t respect their privacy or autonomy often struggle with boundaries. Maybe they made you feel guilty for not doing what they wanted, even when your entire body screamed no.
Now, as an adult, you feel as though everything is your fault, and you have to fix people’s emotions. You say yes, even when you desperately want to say no. Every decision is based on the fear that people will leave if you disappoint them.
You may also struggle to hear your partner’s or friends’ boundaries. Taking control – both now and in childhood – made life less anxious.
Your relationships feel like a rollercoaster.
Have you ever noticed how some relationships make you either recoil into yourself or act in ways you’d consider crazy and needy? Maybe you become overly attached quickly, then suddenly feel distant. Maybe you are so scared people will leave that you do everything to keep them close – even when they’re telling you they feel suffocated. Maybe one day, you woke up and realised your partner mirrors the same relationship dynamics you had as a child.
This isn’t random. We recreate familiar patterns, even when they hurt us. If walking on eggshells was normal for you as a child – if doing that meant you were loved – your nervous system will mistake anxiety for connection.
You’re fiercely independent or ‘codependent.’ I’ve written codependent that way because, under an attachment framework, the term is a myth. Humans need attachment to feel safe and explore the world. We weren’t meant to walk through life alone.
People often describe “codependent” individuals as needy, afraid to do things alone, or overly reliant on others. But what’s really driving that behaviour is anxiety – the fear that someone will leave. It’s not that you can’t do things alone. It’s that your nervous system has been wired to fear abandonment.
The flip side of that is hyper-independence. If you insist on doing everything yourself, you likely learned that you had to. No one was around to help you as a child. Your caregivers may have been absent, dismissive, or unpredictable.
Your worldview became, The world won’t help me. No one shows up when I need them. If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.
Being self-sufficient is a great skill, but when it comes from survival, it can be lonely, exhausting, and isolating.
You struggle with self-worth.
If childhood taught you that love was conditional – based on how well you behaved, the grades you got, or how much you pleased others – then it makes sense that your self-worth now feels shaky.
You probably feel like you’ll never be enough, no matter how much you achieve. You carry deep shame. You shrink when someone gives you a compliment.
Your childhood experiences shaped your internal world – how you see and talk to yourself. If love felt scarce, your nervous system learned that you had to earn your place in people’s lives.
But you were always enough. You are enough.
So, What Can You Do About It?
Recognising these patterns is the first step.
Your reactions and behaviours don’t happen by choice – remember, that child part is still driving the bus. Next time you feel triggered, stop and breathe. Ask yourself, What does this feeling remind me of? Is this feeling from today or an old wound?
Let yourself feel compassion for those parts of you—they’re just trying to protect you from perceived danger.
Try challenging your thought patterns. The stories you carry from childhood might be true—but often, they’re not. What’s not true is the belief that your worth is tied to how others treated you.
Next time your mind spirals, ask yourself, Who would I be without this belief? Would I let a friend talk about themselves this way?
Your parts can hear you when you speak to them. Let them know they don’t have to hold onto this anymore.
Take a breath and ask for help. Healing happens in relationships – just as childhood wounds were formed in them. Therapy (especially parts work and EMDR) can help you talk to your inner child parts, working with and releasing the emotions stored in your body, and rewire the way you see yourself and your relationships.
It’s talk therapy – but different. It’s a deeper conversation with yourself.
Final Thoughts
We heal from childhood trauma by bringing the past into the present. It shapes how we feel, relate, and move through life. Recognising these patterns is an invitation – to understand yourself more, rewrite old stories, and remove shame that isn’t yours.
You can choose to live unstuck.
If you’re ready to explore where these stories began, reach out. I’d love to work with you – or simply answer your questions.
